


Choirs In My Head

by Baamon5evr



Series: Red With Spots All Over [2]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Female Character of Color, Gen, Hopeful Ending, Implied/Referenced Domestic Violence, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Internalized racism, M/M, Maria Feels, Mentions of Cancer, Natasha Feels, Natasha Is a Good Bro, Original Character Death(s), Polyamory, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, half-Mexican Maria Hill, insecure Maria Hill
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-07
Updated: 2015-11-07
Packaged: 2018-04-30 10:36:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,959
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5160629
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Baamon5evr/pseuds/Baamon5evr
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Maria remembers her first crush. She had been six years old, two years from getting her mark. Julian Morales, every schoolgirl's dream, had invited her to eat lunch with him and had actually shared his fruit snacks with her. She fantasized that they would get matching soul marks one day and live happily ever after or whatever. After all, Julian didn't share his fruit snacks with anyone. Maria had told her parents all about it. Now she knows why Julian's father's had shown up on his last day at their school with bruises all over his face but at the time she was a stupid, naive girl. She stayed that way much too long.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Choirs In My Head

**Author's Note:**

> This is so late but I struggled to find Maria's voice so I had to dig deep to make it come across the way I wanted it to. Plus finding a median with Natasha's voice within this series was also hell on earth for me.
> 
> Also, I use Spanish in this story. Most of it is translated from Google and my high school knowledge so I'm sorry if I got anything wrong.

Maria remembers her first crush. She had been six years old, two years from getting her mark. Julian Morales, every schoolgirl's dream, had invited her to eat lunch with him and had actually shared his fruit snacks with her. She fantasized that they would get matching soul marks one day and live happily ever after or whatever. After all, Julian didn't share his fruit snacks with anyone. Maria had told her parents all about it. Now she knows why Julian's father's had shown up on his last day at their school with bruises all over his face but at the time she was a stupid, naive girl. She stayed that way much too long.

~*~*~

Maria looked down at the phone, a smile struggling to stay off her lips as she pressed the end button. She was glad that Steve had found his other soulmate, their soulmate apparently, but she was also weary of it. Natasha had been mentioning a Sam Wilson lately but she hadn't thought of the possibility that he was the third side of this fucked up triangle. And if Steve was weary of his mess spilling over to this guy's life then she should be ten times as worried.

"Who was that?" Natasha asked, walking into the room with a bowl of popcorn. Maria rolled her eyes at the question.

"Like you don't know." Natasha shrugged in response.

"What'd Steve want?"

"To yell at you for keeping Sam Wilson's mark a secret. I should yell at you for keeping his mark a secret."

"It worked out didn't it?"

"Not the point."

"I beg to differ." The redhead said with a shrug, sitting back down next to her and tangling their legs together.

"Of course you do. You're on a mission to fix me."

"Not fix you, you don't need fixing, just illuminate you. Push you in the right direction. Happiness isn't the worst thing in the world."

"I'd rather not be another spot of red you scratch off your ledger."

"I'm doing this because you're my friend. Sam is good and so is Steve, I think after everything that's happened, you're entitled to some good."

"No one's entitled to a damn thing, world doesn't owe us shit."

"But you deserve it." Maria felt herself shutting off once Natasha brought that word into the conversation.

Deserve.

Who knew such a simple word would haunt her dreams?

"What are we watching?" Natasha gave her a look that was part ways frustration and part ways understanding before she shuttered her face closed too.

"It's Princess Diaries tonight." She said, placing the bowl on their laps and then wrapping her arms around her. Maria hesitated before letting her head fall on Natasha's shoulder. Letting this friendship in had taken her nearly two years and Steve deser... Steve should have better than that. He didn't need her, he had Sam and Sam didn't need to know she existed. She was a catastrophe waiting to wreck them.

~*~*~

_She had spent so long dreaming of getting her mark, any mark, it comes a little late for her. She's ten instead of the usually eight but the excitement that welled in her as soon as the mark popped up on her neck nearly choked her. She didn't care that the triangle wasn't pretty or special, it was there and it was hers. It was barely with a second thought once she saw it that she knew she had to tell her mother before anyone else. She hadn't seen her in a few days even though they lived together. Daddy always kept Maria so busy she barely had time for the rest of her family though she was able to sneak into her siblings' room at night and play with them then._

_She had run all over the house, not yelling because Daddy didn't like that, looking for her mother before Alejandro pointed her towards the kitchen._

_"Mami! Mami, look! I got my mark!" She said with excitement, bouncing at her mother's feet. As the brown skinned woman looked over Maria observed that she had a black bruise under her eye and a busted lip. Daddy always said Mami was too clumsy._

_"Que es, mi nina linda?" Maria didn't like speaking Spanish. Daddy didn't like it, he said it made them sound like uncivilized animals but sometimes it was like her mother forgot she could speak English._

_"Mira, Mami!" Graciella finally looked and her eyes widened when she saw the mark. It wasn't happiness though, it was fear._

_"Ay Dios..."_

_"Mami, aren't you happy for me?" She quickly drew her eldest daughter into a hug._

_"Maria, I am... I am happy for you, my sweet girl. I just hope, I hope he is everything to you and protects you like the beautiful jewel you are. You deserve the world." Maria smiled widely before launching into her dream, her prince who would always love her and they would fight side by side, them against the world. It seemed like such a lovely dream and it was... for all of five minutes. Her father made sure to rid her of those silly notions. He showed her the world she deserved and it was not a world where she could coexist with her soulmate._

~*~*~

The thing is despite the rocky start, Steve was too much like a Disney prince for both of their goods. He offered the truce where she sure as hell would not have. He opened doors for her literally and gave his jacket to her in the cold. He watched her six religiously on missions and rarely pushed to know more about her than she volunteered. He had his own wounds and somehow had healed enough to get to a place where he wanted her but wouldn't force her to want him. But she did, she did want him and she wanted Sam even though she'd never met him but wanting usually worked out as well for her as the notion of deserving.

~*~*~

_She was lying in a hospital bed after she watched her father beat her mother more than half to death, after her older brother Alexandro was beat for trying to intervene, after Carlos called the police while Xiomara cried in a corner, after doing her best to burn the pyramid from her neck and only causing herself pain in the process, all she could wonder was where her father was._

_She hoped he was not in trouble. Her mother was crooning to her spanish and she knew how much Daddy hated that, she knew how much Maria hated it. Daddy just lost control, it happened sometimes and Mami always forgave him... but Mami was so bloody and broken, her breath was coming out ragged and Alejandro could barely open his eyes after their father punched him._

_Still, Daddy couldn't be blamed. He only ever showed her love so there must be some fault in the rest of her family. Mami should have been more careful like Carlos was when he said curse words. The only reason Mami was not more careful was because of the stupid mark, she wished it would go away. She had tried cutting if off but it was etched on every layer of skin she cut away so then she tried burning it and came away with the same result. The skin around it burned but the mark held steadfast to her skin. She didn't bother doing it to the second mark the doctors found when they looked her over. That one was prettier by far, looking almost flower like, but she still wanted it gone. She wondered if Daddy could get them off, she wanted to see him._

~*~*~

Maria didn't really have a home so much as she had safehouses. They were all sparsely furnished as interior design was not her thing, they had some non-perishable food, a radio and weapons. She visited each place when necessary but most of the time she was busy at the playground or the helicarrier or on a mission and when she wasn't gone she was either at Natasha's place or Bobbi (and Clint's) apartment. She didn't consider any of those places particularly safe for what was most important to her so she kept a safety deposit box under a fake account.

She checked up on her box that day. She pulled out her family photo album first. The first pictures were of her mother when she was young. She liked these pictures because it was before she met her father, before her life took the tragic turn that would lead to her death. Next were pictures of her  mother and her siblings. Maria rarely featured in these photos, her father kept her apart from them. There was only two pictures of her with her mother. One when she was just born and one Alejandro had taken secretly on Maria's seventh birthday. Maria had a puffy white dress on and a tiara and her mother was hugging her tightly. She had more pictures with her siblings when they went to live with their grandmother and she had tons of pictures with her abuela, the woman who made it possible for Maria to see the truth about her father and herself and accept it. She had more pictures with her siblings with them as adults rather than children. That rift their father created between them took some time to repair but their grandmother had been determined and it paid off eventually.

Maria looked through the rest of the box, she had some rings that belonged to her mother and a necklace her niece made her. She slipped the necklace on and then grabbed some cash from the box before closing it and locking it back up. She pulled her cellphone out as she walked out of the building.

"Fury, I'm putting in my vacation effective immediately." She said, foregoing any greetings.

"How long do you need?"

"I’m not sure but two weeks is a good starting place. I'm going down to Texas."

"Say hello to your grandmother for me."

"Yeah, will do."

~*~*~

_Maria had developed a habit ever since her mother's death march back to her father's side. She had cut her wrists a few times but found it wasn't her poison. She had always been a little rough but ever since she threw her notions of love aside she had turned to fighting. Her grandmother had skinned her hide one time too many for fighting in school so she had turned to underground fighting. It was something she stumbled upon but it was a welcome outlet. She was skilled enough to cover up her bruises with foundation so her family was none the wiser about her nightly curricular activities._

_It felt good. It felt good to take all the anger and heartbreak and disgust she felt, channel it all in her fist and punch someone as hard as she could. Her flesh did not feel like it belonged to her when she fought which was what she wanted. She wanted to not be herself._

_It was on one such night after she had won her fights as she usually did, collected her earnings and was climbing back into her room that she was startled to find she wasn't as secretive as she thought. She walked towards her closet to change and was frightened when the light in her room suddenly turned on. She turned slowly to see her oldest brother, Alejandro sitting in her room. His eyes roamed over her bruised face and her bloody knuckles, his eyes turning up in shock as he took in her appearance._

_"So this is what you've been hiding? Abeula thought you were hanging out with those ratty girls from school. Carlos thought you had a boyfriend, maybe you were going out to parties or something. What the hell is this?"_

_"This is none of your business." Maria said, brushing past her brother towards her drawer for clothes._

_"You're my baby sister and you're out letting people beat your face in, it is exactly my business."_

_"I'm not a baby. I know what I'm doing."_

_"Oh really? Mami said that a lot and where is she now? You want to end up in a grave next to her? Do you have any idea how selfish that is? What would we do without you? Xi looks up to you so much, how would we explain your death to her? What if we never found you?"_

_"Oh don't pretend to care now!" Maria shouted, rounding on him._

_"Keep your voice down." Alejandro hissed at her. He stood silent for a moment listening to see if anyone was awoken by her outburst._

_"What are you talking about?"_

_"You didn't show half as much concern when you let me stay there and get brainwashed by that monster. You let me believe every word that came out of his mouth and you never told me it was wrong, you never made me see the truth. You let me stay blind for the first half of my life and you expect me to believe your concern for me?"_

_"Maria..." Alejandro sighed and stepped closer to her, reaching out to touch her shoulder but she wouldn't let him._

_"No, don't touch me. Do you know what I see when I look in the mirror? Something I hate. I hate myself so much. Look at us, look at the people we are, look at what we are. We are what killed Mami just as much as he did. We didn't help her. I... I didn't help her. I stood there and I made excuses. I can't even stand to look myself in the face and I know you can't look at me either. Not without hating me too. So don't fake concern, I don't need it."_

_"I'm looking at you right now Maria. I'm looking at you and do you know what I see? I see the baby I held in my arms before Papi did. My baby sister who I wanted to protect from his cruelty." She scoffed in disbelief at that but he didn't let that deter him._

_"Dimelo, if you were in my position and you thought he would beat Xiomara the way he beat Mami and then miraculously it seemed like he had found some place, albeit one out of ignorance and darkness, to love her wouldn't you allow it?" Maria looked down because in her heart she knew if that was Xi's best chance she would allow it._

_"Before you were born, I was alone in that house. Mami did what she could to protect me, threw herself into the line of fire when she could, but it wasn't until you were born that I finally had someone who loved me unconditionally and who I would give up anything for. I was six when you born but I knew I would throw myself from the tallest building in the world for you. I loved you and you loved him and he loved you even though he hated me and Carlos and Xi. His love, whether it was some twisted dark thing or not, protected you more than I ever could have so I didn't stop it because I loved you. I love you Maria more than you know apparently." Maria stared at him incredulously. There were tears in Al's eyes, he was usually never so emotional, never so open even with family. She couldn't believe the way he was talking to her and about her, like she was some precious thing to him, looking at her like he loved her._

_"The fact that you hate yourself so much breaks my heart more than you know, it breaks all of our hearts. It was never your fault. You loved him, your heart was made to love Maria and you should never be ashamed of that. His violence and his cruelty is not on you, it's not your cross to bear, it's his. Mami's death is no one's fault but their own. Mami chose to go back, she believed she couldn't be a person without him but we are stronger than they'll ever be. We can be happy and proud of ourselves as the half-Mexican, half-White children of a racist wife beater and a woman too lost to love herself or her children more than her abuser because we are not them, we are better. You don't see that now and that's okay. You look at your skin, at yourself, with disgust but you are more than you think. You could be anything you want, you could save the world one day, you saved mine just by being born. We all love you so much and we'll love you until you can figure out a way to love yourself as well and keep loving you after that." Maria continued staring at Al as tears clouded her vision before she finally broke down in tears falling to her knees before him. She felt his arms wrap around her tightly and hold her close, she didn't mind the way the hug hurt her broken body because it healed all the same._

_"I don't know how to love myself. There's something wrong with me. There has to be something wrong for that monster to love me. He could see it, he gave it to me. I'm wrong." She gasped out hysterically because that was the one deduction she had made that she had held on to. If someone as horrible as her father loved her then what did that say about her? She was evil, she was wrong, she would be a monster just like he was, she would do the same thing to her soulmates that he did to his. She would destroy them._

_"You are not wrong, you are one of the few things in the world I know for certain to be right. I hate him so much for what he did to you. I thought him loving you would save you but he did what he always does, he ruined you. That's who he is, he ruins everything he gets his hands on but that doesn't mean we have to stay ruined forever. You stand in the ring and you fight for dear life and this is no different. Now is the time to punch back at the world and you tell it you'll be different and you keep punching back until you believe it. We all already do, you just have to believe it too, mi dulce hermana." Maria laid her head on her brother's shoulder. She so wanted to believe that she was loved and deserved it, that she wasn't destined to be the monster their father was but she had no idea how to get over that hump. Maybe... maybe this was where she started: in her brother's arms working to earn her family's love. It was as good a place to begin as any other._

~*~*~

"Auntie Maria!!!" Maria smiled at the five young children belonging to all three of her siblings now making a beeline across the grass of Carlos' large farm estate towards her. She wondered why Xiomara's daughter and Alejandro's twins were there but the children crowding around her and clamoring to hug her pulled her from her thoughts. It warmed her heart honestly. She didn’t get to see as much of her nieces and nephews as she would’ve liked save for holidays, birthdays and skype but she loved each of them. They were all proof to her that her siblings were able to get past the stigma of their parents’ relationship to have successful relationships of their own. It never quite resonated as well with Maria for her own love life more than it did now knowing that Steve was back home and so was Sam, waiting for her to come in her own time.

“Hey, let the woman breath.” Xiomara said, shooing the children away back to their game before pulling her older sister into a hug.

“Ay, it’s been too long.”

“I saw you three months ago.” Maria replied, hugging her sister back.

“Three months is too long. Fury’s keeping you too busy, you better tell him abuela will kick his ass if she doesn’t see you more often.”

“He's worried about something. He needs me close but he let me go for now so I could come see you guys.” Xi pulled back from the hug and held Maria’s face in her hands, looking her face over before she broke into a grin.

“I’m so happy to see you, big sis.”

“I’m happy to be here. Why are you and Al here though?” Maria asked, walking towards the house hand-in-hand with Xi.

“Mmm, Estefania hasn’t been doing so well lately. The chemo’s really taking it out of her, you know. With Abuela already living her with Carlos and him having the girls with him, basically taking care of everything by himself, Alejandro and I decided the farm was big enough for all of us to come down and help out.”

“What’s the doctor prognosis on Nia?” Maria asked. The work she did with SHIELD was important to her, she did it to protect the world for her families’ sake but there were things even she couldn’t fight. All the SHIELD tech in the world couldn’t really help Nia, it might just make her worse. Maria made sure she had only the best care and medicine but she couldn't control her sister-in-law's body or her cells or even her will to fight.

“They caught it early enough that their optimistic and Nia’s strong, she ain’t giving in no time soon. Not before she sees those marks appear on her girls and sees whose behind those marks. I pity the poor bastards or bitches, either way they’re in for it.”

“Nina, what did I tell you about your mouth? Ay dios mio, más sucia maldita boca aquí.”

“Wonder where I got it from?” Xiomara mumbled as Maria smiled and approached her grandmother.

“Hola, abuela.” (Hello, grandmother.) She greeted hugging the older woman, lapsing into Spanish effortlessly. Her grandmother always liked it when she spoke Spanish. She said it was like spitting on a her father’s grave a little more with every word. Maria had no problem with that notion.

“Ah, mi bebé linda. ¿Qué estás haciendo aquí?” (My beautiful baby. What are you doing here?)

“Yo quería te sopresa. No puedo quedarme mucho tiempo, pero me tienen toda la semana. Por cierto, Nick y Natasha envían su amor.” (I wanted to surprise you. I can't stay long, but I have all week. By the way, Nick and Natasha send their love.)

“Natasha. Lo que una chica encantadora.” (Natasha. What a lovely girl.) Maria rolled her eyes a little at her grandmother’s affection for Nat. If only she knew that woman could kill people with her thighs.

“Decirle Señor Nick para dejarte fuera mas. ¿Cómo espera que para cumplir con su futuro amor si siempre estás trabajando?” (Tell Mr. Nick to let you out more. How do you expect to meet your future love if you're always working?) Maria blushed a little as Xi laughed behind her. She contemplated telling her grandmother about Steve and Sam but she didn’t just yet, there was someone else she needed to tell first, she needed his advice.

“Y con eso, me voy. ¿Dónde está Alejandro?” (And with that, I’m leaving. Where’s Alejandro?)

“Exterior con Carlos, donde debe estar. No detrás de un escritorio.” (Outside with Carlos, where you should be. Not behind a desk)

“Adios, abuela.” (Goodbye, Grandmother.)

She quickly left the room, ignoring her sister's amused cackles. Of the four of them she was the only one not married or otherwise attached. Alejandro had met his soulmate Rosario in high school. Carlos had met Estefania at the coffee shop close to his job. Xiomara had met her soulmate Bethany in college. Xi and their abuela along with Rose, Nia and Bette pestered Maria the most about it but her brothers, unsurprisingly, were just fine with her marital status the way it was. She walked outside only to see them out there in dirty jeans with flannels shirts chopping blocks of wood.

"Wow, you guys took this farm thing seriously." She commented with amusement. She watched them both turn before smiling brightly at her. She felt her lips peel back into an involuntary smile as they both dropped their axes and bumrushed her, squishing her between them in a hug.

"Ugh, you guys smell like sweat and manure."

"Thank Jenny for that." Maria looked past their shoulders to the horse grazing a few feet away before nudging her sweaty brothers off of her.

"So you guys are old Macdonald now?"

"I seem to remember someone was quite handy around Abuela's farm. City life has ruined you, mi hermana." Carlos said teasingly. Maria was jetlagged and exhausted both physically and emotionally but she wasn't about to back down from that challenge. She pulled her leather jacket off and tied it around her waist.

"Ooh, the guns are out." Alejandro commented with amusement.

"You wanna test just how soft I've gone?" She asked her younger brother, pulling her hair back into a ponytail.

"Biggest pile after five minutes?" He asked as confirmation, pulling off his flannel shirt to show off his meaty, strong arms.

"Alejandro, you're the ref."

"You guys already know the rules. Smack talk all you want but no touching each other and those logs between be in halves, both sides the same size."

"How's your aim, baby brother? Still as shit as ever?"

"You'll see for yourself." Maria actually had fun cutting the wood with her brothers, trash talking one another while Al took on the role of commentator along with referee. In the end Carlos won, by only two blocks, but Maria wasn't a sore loser so she gave him his due.

"Eh, you were only two off. You haven't gone so soft." Carlos replied with a shrug as Al handed both of them bottles of water. She leaned against the fence and started taking sips as Carlos and Alejandro leaned on either side of her.

"How's Nia's treatment going?" She asked Carlos.

"You know, it's going pretty well. She's upstairs with Bethany. She's been exhausted lately but she's doing better than last time we talked. It's still rough, you know. Chemo's never easy but you know Estefania, she's not going to even entertain the idea of this thing beating her."

"Good, I'm glad to hear it. And where's Rosario today?"

"Ah, she went to the market the next few towns over. She's determined to find pumpkins, never mind it's not the season. But you know Rosario, come hell or high water, that woman gets what she wants."

"Don't I know it."

"So are you going to tell us the reason for the surprise visit?" Al asked giving her a knowing look, she didn't bother trying to lie about anything and just told them the whole truth.

"So your soulmate is Captain America?" Carlos clarified.

"One of them is anyway."

"I know a lot of American people who are just going to love that, Captain America's soulmate is a Mexican woman."

"Our other soulmate, Sam Wilson, is an African-American man. So they'll be plenty of prejudice to share equally between us I'm sure."

"Good luck." Carlos said with a scoff.

"Are you going to be with them?" Alejandro asked.

"I want to. I'm just.. still figuring things out."

"Well, you take all the time in the world. I'm not ready for another man in the house, let alone two. Even though you deserve it."

"Careful with the D-word." Carlos warned. Maria didn't say anything. A part of getting ready to move forward would be accepting that the word 'deserve' didn't have to be so horrible. She wasn't there yet but she acknowledged the need to change that.

"I'll get there. One way or another." Al kissed her cheek while Carlos rubbed her back. They were more than happy to hear that.

~*~*~

_She didn't stop fighting after Al confronted her. It was an outlet she sorely needed but now Al made sure she was properly trained and even went with her sometimes. He would clean her up when she got home and tend to her bruises and wounds and tell her he loved her everyday but wouldn't stop her._

_She in turn did her best to believe him, to let him and the rest of her siblings in. Her abuela noticed this and immediately capitalized on it, making Maria go out grocery shopping alone with Carlos or prompting her to take Xiomara with her when she went out or forcing all four children to watch movies together every night. It paid off though. Each interaction with her siblings made it a little easier to let them in, a little easier to believe they loved her, a little easier to believe they could come out from the shadows cast on them by their parents and actually be okay. But the fighting? The fighting was for her. The fighting made her feel alive, gave her a place to channel all the feelings she kept bottled up inside of her. Each opponent wasn't just some douche who looked at her and thought she was a stupid, skinny bitch who would get her ass kicked they were also her father and sometimes they were her mother too and herself but over time she was able to forgive herself and forgive her mother but she couldn't forgive him, could never bring her heart to it._

_It was on one such night fighting in the ring that she met Nick Fury for the first time. He was a spectator and though she had noticed him a few times she had largely ignored him until one day he approached her._

_"You got a nice right, kid." He commented as she unwrapped her hands._

_"Thanks man." She answered, discreetly stuffing her winnings in her bag along with her wrap._

_"You keep it up, you just might make it pro one day."_

_"I don't want to be pro." Maria said with a scoff._

_"So what do you want to be?" Maria stopped and thought about it for a moment._

_"I don't know. Doesn't matter anyway."_

_"Why not?"_

_"Just doesn't."_

_"Well it won't as long as you don't care about yourself. I learned long ago that sometimes caring about people and what happens to them eventually helps you give a damn about yourself."_

_"What? Are you some kind of monk or pastor or something, Yoda?"_

_"My name is Director Nick Fury of the Strategic Homeland Intervention, Enforcement and Logistics Division."_

_"That doesn't exactly roll off the tongue."_

_"You can just call us SHIELD."_

_"Why should I call you anything?"_

_"Because I have a proposition for you, a place to belong."_

_"At the Strategic Homeland Enforcement-- whatever?"_

_"No, not yet. You're still a little young for that but we do have an academy and we can open doors for you with your promise to join us one day." Maria turned towards him and looked him over with scrutiny._

_"Why? What do you want from me? I'm not about to knock anyone's living but prostitution isn't for me." He rose an eyebrow at her but didn't otherwise comment on that._

_"I see potential in you. You could grow up and actually be someone who could save the world or you could keep being a brawler in a filthy basement winning $300 a fight. I see the way you fight in that ring. I'm offering you a chance to fight for something greater than yourself, something that matters."_

_"Yeah, sure." She said sarcastically, walking away._

_"Offer's on the table for when you want it!" He called._

_It appealed to her more than she was ready to admit at that time so she walked away and didn't look back. She didn't join SHIELD, she joined the army instead and developed a new appreciation for human life including her own life even as she climbed the ranks into a commanding position. When she met Fury again years after their first encounter she was both more whole and more broken than she was before. She had managed to accept herself more than she had when she was a teenager but the horrors of war now weighed on her however she needed to be moving, needed to be working, needed to be saving someone, anyone._

_"That offer still on the table?"_

_"Ready and waiting."_

_"Well, what the hell? Why not?"_

_"You might live to regret that question."_

_"I think it'll be the least of my regrets, trust me."_

~*~*~

Maria laid on her bed staring at the wall of her bedroom. It had been a week since she had arrived on the farm and despite the chaos of having multiple children there she was relaxed and at peace with herself and the world around her. She wasn't completely detached from the world. She got regular updates on the status of SHIELD from Nick, Bobbi and Natasha. Natasha also updated her on how Steve and Sam were. Steve would call her every day, though she only answered twice, but still he'd tell her about his day and tell her something new thing about Sam. He didn't want him to be a complete stranger to her, he thought it would help her adjust and in all honesty it did help. But then Sam, she found, wasn't so hard to adjust to. The mark they shared on their stomach, that mark was unmarred by the brutality she showed towards herself, it was easy to forget and ignore because it was so easily covered up. She hadn't met Sam Wilson yet so maybe that was part of why it was easier to ignore him most days but now she had that looming over her head as well. He was a civilian, a former soldier like herself and Steve but largely landlocked to her knowledge. She hadn't looked him up, didn't want to be that crazy over it but she wondered how he would react to her. She hoped Steve was putting in as much of a good word for her as he was on Sam's behalf. She hoped she would be worthy of this relationship.

"Tia Maria." She looked over to see Carlos's six year old son Hernando standing in the doorway. He looked remarkably like his mother back when she was still healthy and filled with vitality and life.

"What is it, 'Nando?"

"Mami wants to see you." Maria hadn't been avoiding Estefania but hadn't been alone in a room with her all week.

"Gracias, Bambino." Hernando smiled at the nickname before running off. Maria walked to Carlos and Estefania's room where she spent most of her days lately besides the hours she made herself get out and spend time with the kids. When Maria entered the room, Estefania was sat in a chair by the window. Nia was a lot skinnier now, her previously brown skin was now pale and sweaty, her previously long locks shaved down and covered by a scarf but this was better than she looked last time Maria had seen her. Xiomara and Bette were sat together on the bed across from Estefania, Bette's blonde hair shining brightly in the sun. It wasn't the same blonde as Steve's, her hair had a lighter quality to it and her skin was also on the paler side as well. Xiomara's hair was the same hue as Maria's but her skin was darker like their brothers' and her eyes were brown like their mothers'. Rosario was sitting in the chair across from Estefania, her overall features the same as Maria's siblings denoting her Mexican heritage though her skin was darker than Alejandro, Carlos and Xiomara's.

As Maria entered the room the four women looked up at her and smiled softly at her before Estefania spoke up.

"Thanks, mis amores. I'm going to talk to Maria privately now." The three other women snapped to, each embracing Estefania before they left from the room. Maria closed the door then sat in the chair Rose had vacated. Estefania smiled serenely at her as she reached her hand out. Maria took her cold hand in both of hers, resolving to warm them up for her.

"I'm so proud of you and happy for you Maria." She looked up with a quizzical expression on her face.

"I've known you for so long now but this is the most open you've been in some time. Carlos told me about your soulmates."  Maria rolled her eyes. It wasn't exactly a secret but she didn't want her brothers telling everyone.

"Don't blame him too much. He can't keep anything from me lately. Wish I'd have gotten cancer sooner, could've helped us avoid a lot of arguments." A lot of people wouldn't get that morbid humor but Maria wasn't one of those people. She chuckled lightly at the joke before sighing to herself.

"I know who my soulmates are and I...  I'm working on being able to accept them, accept the idea of having them it's just harder than I expected it to be. My father was an asshole and I hate him for what he did to my family, to me but I think..." Estefania nodded encouragingly at her.

"I think I hated myself more for not helping my family against him and what I felt for myself. I couldn't even love myself, how was someone else going to love me? Now... now that I know Nick was right, caring about other people eventually makes it easier to care about yourself, now I get how Al, Xi, Carlos and Abuela were able to put up with me. I guess I'm still trying to wrap my head around having that kind of relationship with anyone who isn't family."

'It isn't easy. It can go horribly wrong, your parents are proof of that. Carlos and I have had loads of fights, it's normal. Sometimes you may even feel there’s something wrong with you for it not to be working out the way you think it should, some relationships don’t survive that." Maria thought of Clint and Bobbi then and their relationship status. They were divorced now even though they kept gravitating towards each other. She didn't want anything that ambiguous but she also knew well enough that sometimes things just weren’t simple and people needed time to grow up away from each other which was what she was doing now. She was taking time to herself before she even considered throwing herself into a relationship with Steve and Sam that might end up blowing up in her face.

"But when it's good, when it's right, it's magic. You can be happy without them. A soulmate doesn't define you but love is a part of happiness altogether and you deserve it so much and yes, I'm going to say the word because you do. You deserve all the happiness in the world and if you try with them and it doesn’t work, it doesn’t mean you’re weak or wrong. It just means your happiness lies somewhere else and you’re one step closer to finding it.” Maria silently took in her sister-in-law’s words before commenting.

“Who knew one of the symptoms of radiation was wisdom?” Estefania smiled at the joke and though it was a pale shadow of her previous smile Maria was still happy to have garnered it.

“I hate to pull the last wish card--”

“The hell you do.”

“But will you try at least, for me? I think even Abuela wouldn’t mind getting you out of here by now. Not that we don’t love you, you just get antsy when you’re not doing something.”

“I see how it is, kicking me out already? Fine, fine. Don’t expect my flan this Thanksgiving then.”

“Come on, your flan’s the best. You’re really going to deny a sick woman?”

“Milking it for all it’s worth.”

“I might as well get something out of this.” Maria rolled her eyes but leaned forward and kissed Estefania’s cold forehead.

“I love you, Nia.” The younger woman looked up at Maria with a warm gaze.

“I know.”

~*~*~

_She had just finished off a particularly grueling stint at the academy training knuckleheaded recruits with either too much zeal or not enough charisma but all around too much stupid when she got the call. Her father was dead and while a part of her rejoiced at knowing he wasn’t stealing air from other decent human beings anymore she also felt a curious sense of sadness which only got worse when she found out he had left her a letter, only her. His last jab at her siblings to make them feel lesser once again. The stupid girl she had been would've gloated and preened at this once but now she wanted to rip it up and burn it however Xiomara encouraged her to read it. Her sister didn’t know though, she was too young to know the kind of psychological setback any communication from that man could cause Maria but she was weak willed and annoyingly human and so curiosity won out and she read it. It was only one sentence._

**_You deserved better._ **

_She deserved better? What did the hell did he understand about what she deserved? If he knew anything about what any of his family deserved they wouldn’t have gone through the hell they had thanks to him, Mami would still be alive, Maria might even be happy now, maybe having already found her soulmates and been happy about it but instead she had the cone mark on her neck she tried to destroy and the olive branch on her abdomen she did her best to ignore. Marks he made her hate, marks she had once thought she deserved because she was oh so special. That fucking man, he just had to get one more dig in, sink one last claw into her heart and soul._

_She got shitfaced drunk that night. It was probably unprofessional seeing as how she didn’t take time off from SHIELD to go to the funeral and was constantly on the clock with a job like she had but she was hoping that the note would fade from the forefronts of her memories much like the olive branch. It was only half working. The word ‘deserved’ was so emphasized that even the alcohol couldn’t drown it out and she was quickly growing to hate its existence. That’s what her father did to her, made her hate innocuous words as if they could be weaponized to hurt her. But coming from him they could._

_She snapped her head to her right (slower than she would've liked) as someone sat down on the stool directly next to her._

_"Jack, straight up." Black Widow said to the bartender._

_"What are you doing here?"_

_"Ordering a drink."_

_"Don't play dumb. You're meant to be on bedrest in the medbay, not here having a drink."_

_"I'm not exactly a regular, fragile human."_

_"Well, it's not everyday someone gets shot by a myth come to life." Widow's eyes grew a little distant at the mention of her latest mission in Odessa where she apparently ran into the Winter Soldier, someone who shouldn't exist. The redhead had been in and out of it regularly ever since._

_"Where's Barton? He was meant to watch you."_

_"I bribed him with coffee."_

_“That man is way too easy.”_

_“You said it, not me.” Maria decided not to pursue that conversation any further and focused on her drink while the Widow did the same. They were probably sitting quietly for about 15 minutes before she felt the Widow’s fingers brushing against her cheeks. She recoiled from the touch and looked at her with confusion._

_“You’re crying.” She commented. She brushed the tears away roughly from her cheeks. She hated what her father turned her into especially when it had her crying in front of the agents under her jurisdiction. The Widow handed her a napkin and she took it after a moment, wiping her face clear of tears completely. She looked over at the other woman, keeping her face devoid of any emotion, silently daring her to comment._

_“Fury told me about your father.”_

_“Did he?” Maria had noticed that Nick had become close to the Widow over the couple years she had been working at SHIELD. Coulson had gotten closer to her in his own right as had Agent Morse._

_“Heard he was a pretty shitty father.”_

_“He was.”_

_“Congratulations, I guess.” Maria rose an eyebrow._

_“He was a shitty guy and now he’s dead. You’re not happy?” Maria sat quietly, trying to think over her feelings. It was a mess that she was drinking in order not to sort through but now here was Romanov probing at her._

_“Happy isn’t exactly the word I would use.”_

_“Yeah, I understand that.” She studied Romanov for a moment. She was staring into her glass as if it held some answer she was looking for, her arms were crossed over her chest and her right hand was rubbing along the top of her left arm which was covered by her leather jacket. There was a weariness there that called to Maria’s own so she grabbed the bottle of liquor next to her and topped up both of their glasses. Romanov picked up her glass and saluted Maria before taking a sip. They didn’t talk then, they didn't need to._

~*~*~

Maria got ready the next morning and, after a long goodbye, left the farm. However she made one more stop before going to the airport. She hadn't been to the cemetery at all, not the day he was buried or any day after that but here she was now.

"Grayson Peter Hill. Father, husband, friend. May angels lead you in." She took a moment to snicker at the headstone.

"May angels lead you in? Gotta appreciate the irony. If there's any justice in the afterlife you got a one way trip downstairs. But who knows? Maybe God forgave you, maybe you had some religious awakening in prison though I doubt that. But you know what? I don't care because I don't forgive you. I was afraid for so long that I would end up being like you, a hateful asshole. I spent nights worrying that I would do to my soulmates what you did to Mami. But I'm not you, I never have been and I never will be. You were... God, you were just a bad guy. A terrible, terrible person and a shit father that's for sure. I may have loved you once, hell maybe that stupid, poor little girl swimming around somewhere in my head still does but I'm not her anymore. I don't love you, I don't like you, I don't forgive you. And you know what else? I think that's okay. I think it was never about forgiving you. It was about forgiving myself and as hard as that was I do, I do forgive myself. I have a family that loves me, there is a guy who is the epitome of good and he loves me, there's a guy out there who has never met me but is still willing to wait for me and most importantly, I love me. You didn't take that away despite how hard you tried. I do not forgive you but I'm not going to waste my time being mad at you anymore because you're not worth it." Maria looked down, shaking her head.

"You're not worth it." She repeated, disbelief coloring her voice. The realization was so simple, yet took her so long to come to it seemed profound now.

"You're not worth it. I'm done with you, I've outgrown you." Maria felt a lot better now, better than she thought she would feel visiting this particular grave. She didn't say goodbye, instead she gravitated towards her mother's grave on the opposite end of the large cemetery. She didn't like that they were buried in the cemetery but at least they were as far apart as possible.

_Graciella Dominique Hill._

_1964 - 1992_

_Beloved mother, daughter and friend_

_"Love is patient, love is kind. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres."_

The tombstone read.

"Hola, Mami. I know it's been a while since I talked to you but I wanted to tell you in person. I met them, my soulmates. Well I met one of them but Steve brags so much about Sam, it feels like I know him." Maria took a moment to laugh to herself and bask in the rightness of the sound to her own ears, to feel okay with the fact that she was okay. She would probably stumble eventually but for now she was okay. So she was going to stand here and tell her mother all about Steve and Sam, hoping that somehow, someway she could hear and that she was happy with all she heard.

~*~*~

_It became something of a routine._

_She and the Widow would somehow always leave HQ at around the same time and so with nothing else to do and neither wishing to drown their sorrows alone they would end up drinking together._

_They didn't talk at first about anything personal, they drank, they ate peanuts and they played darts. After a while though they began to discuss things, trivial mundane things, then they started comparing war stories. They started working out and training together. Maria began to think of her as Natasha instead of the Black Widow and she called her by her first name as well instead of Deputy Director Hill. Natasha showed her a few new moves and Maria referred her to some of her most trusted informers and suppliers. They began catching lunch together and Natasha invited her to one of her apartments to watch the game together. They were almost friends but Maria was her boss, she couldn't be friends with her._

_"So I met Bobbi Morse today." Natasha said one day, months down the line, as they played a round of darts._

_"That must have been eventful."_

_"Not really. Clint failed to mention her but then I haven't told him a lot of things about my past. Besides it was just sex between us. The way they looked at each other, that's real."_

_"I didn't know you were such a romantic, Romanov." Natasha scoffed at that, looking down._

_"I'm not. Love is for children. I'm interested in something deeper than that.” Maria was aware of what Natasha had done to her soulmates in the past, all except one. She didn't ever bring it up though and didn't ever ask why that last one was so special or even who he was._

_“What the hell does that mean?”_

_“If there’s anything I’ve learned in my years it’s that soulbonds aren’t about whether or not you love someone. There are more important things in life than love. Love wasn’t what I needed. What I needed at that time was trust and a place where I could find peace. I got that… eventually. Trust and peace aren’t a dime a dozen, you know? Finding the real deal is rare and it’s not something you just throw away. Kids these days don’t get that.”_

_“Really? You’re going to pull the ‘get off my lawn’, grandma routine now?” Natasha smirked back at her as she retrieved the darts from the board._

_“What about you? Where is Mr. Hill? Or is it Mrs. Hill?” Maria rolled her eyes. She’d seen Natasha looking at her appreciatively more than once but never commented on it. She did not have sex with her employees so it was a moot point._

_“I told you my father’s dead. My brothers are--”_

_“You know what I mean.”_

_“I don’t care for finding my soulmates. I don’t need that in my life. A mark isn’t about to tell me how to live my life, I’ve got enough responsibilities without adding another person to the mix.” Natasha gave her a look that she couldn’t decipher as her hand unconsciously brushed against the mark on her left upper arm. When Maria first saw it, she thought it was a tattoo. The star was big and bright red but on closer assessment she could tell that the way it sat on Natasha’s skin was not right for a tattoo._

_“That mark of yours, I’ve never seen one that big before. Did they help you find peace and trust?” Natasha looked at her quietly for a moment before giving her the smallest of smiles._

_“When I needed it, yes he did. It’s not the worst feeling in the world, you know. You wouldn’t be loath to open yourself up to it.”_

_“I’m not about to take relationship advice from you, no offense.” Maria said, taking the darts from Natasha._

_“None taken, just answering your question. You’ll see it my way one day.”_

_“Not likely.”_

~*~*~

Maria unlocked Natasha's apartment door and meandered her way into the apartment, laden with more bags than she left with thanks to her family pushing clothes and gifts on her for herself, Natasha and Nick.

"Back already?" Natasha called, sounding unsurprised, which didn't shock Maria at all. Natasha came around the corner with a facial mask on and her hair wrapped up in a towel. She was donning a hot pink sweat-suit and waddled a little with her toes raised so she wouldn't disturb the drying paint on them.

"Taking a day?"

"Figure I deserve it. Shower and I'll do you too."

"I'm a woman fast approaching monogamy. I don't play those games." Maria joked before scrunching her nose.

"Is it still monogamy if you're in a relationship with two people but only plan to be with those two people?"

"I have no idea. Shower. I'll take care of this." Natasha said, indicating the bags.

"Abuela sent some clothes and a buttload of food for you. I had a hell of a time getting it through customs. It's in the red bag." Maria showered fast, washing her hair in the process and enjoying the general peace the shower surrounded her in before dragging on her beige sweat-suit. She pulled her hair up in a towel as well before joining Natasha. She had put away Maria's things already, peeled the mask off of her face and had blow-dried her hair. Now she was eating some of Maria’s abuela's paella while listening to 90s bubblegum pop. Natasha was a weird one sometimes. The redhead waved her forward and immediately set to applying a mask on her face while squeezing out every last detail about the status of the Hill family she could. Maria updated her all while she painted her finger and toe nails before Natasha switched gears.

"So when exactly are you going to initiate the monogamous polyamory?"

"I don't know. Soon."

"Why the sudden change?"

"Just... I'm tired I guess. Tired of living in the then, I want to start living in the now and maybe what happened in my past has been keeping me from moving forward now but that's on me too. I let him control me for too long. I let my fear of ending up like him keep me distant and cold. Don't get me wrong, you're not going to see me sitting down with Brock Rumlow and the rest of the STRIKE team for lunch or anything but I can deal with you, Bobbi, Clint and Nick. Hell, I don't mind Agent May, Tripp and Agent 13. And I can try with Sam and Steve. I might even tolerate Potts and Banner but I'm not dealing with Stark. And if Ward looks at my ass one more time I'm knocking him on his." Natasha chuckled slightly before she wrapped her arms across Maria chest, placing a kiss on the unmasked part of her face.

"I adore you, Hill."

"You better, Romanov."

~*~*~

Maria remembers her first crush. She had been six years old, two years from getting her mark. Julian Morales, every schoolgirl's dream, had invited her to eat lunch with him and had actually shared his fruit snacks with her. She fantasized that they would get matching soul marks one day and live happily ever after or whatever. Of course her dreams were mainly based off the fact that just like her his favorite color was red and that he seemed to be impervious to cooties.

Now, she was a grown woman and was a little worse for wear and rough around the edges and nowhere as bright eyed or bushy tailed as she had been so long ago but the look on Steve’s face when he opened his apartment door and saw her standing there made her think more and more that maybe that was okay. Maybe the big man in the sky was onto something when they figured that Steve would be one of her soulmates. He knew the damage that lurked beneath, had shied away from it at first but now he looked at her like he’d never seen anything more beautiful. She didn’t think it would ache her heart as much as it did but it did and it hurt in a good way.

“Hey.”

“Hey.”

“I wasn’t expecting to see you so soon, not that I’m complaining.” He said, seemingly looking her over for any wounds. She didn’t stop him.

“Things went a lot smoother than I expected them to. Guess I was readier than I thought I was. I shouldn’t have underestimated myself so much.”

“If there’s one thing I’ve learned it’s to not underestimate you, Deputy Director. I’m glad you’re here.”

“You know something? I’m glad I’m here too.” They shared a soft look between them before a third voice joined them.

“Steve, who is it?” She heard a voice call. She felt her heart stutter in her chest some.

“Sam?”

“Yeah. Sam.” Maria looked behind him as the man in question made an appearance. He was definitely a good looking man. A few inches shorter than Steve, his skin tone right around the same as Fury’s. As soon as he saw her he smiled politely at her. He had a cute gap between his two front teeth.

“Hello. Is this official business I can’t know about? Because I can make myself scarce.” Maria looked to Steve. He looked her face over as if he were looking for something and whatever it was he apparently found it because he gave her a slighter wider smile before turning to Sam.

“Sam, this is Maria Hill. Maria, this is Sam Wilson.”

“Hi.” Maria said, smiling softly at Sam as he stared at her in wide eyed shock before snapping out it.

“And why exactly do you have her standing out in the hallway, Steve?” Sam questioned, taking fast steps towards the door but still stopping a little behind Steve. He was looking at her with curiosity and something soft and open.

“Come in, come in. I mean, do you want to come in?” Sam asked. Steve’s face held the same question.

“I was beginning to think that neither of you gentlemen were going to ask. I suppose manners will be the first thing on the long list of things we need to talk about.” That joke seemed to break the ice and the three of them shared a small laugh amongst themselves, the enormity of the situation they found themselves in somehow not quite managing to crush either one of them under its weight.

Maria walked into the door and it wasn’t quite like coming home but she knew she had just found a place where she could build one.


End file.
